Mr. Angry loses his patients

The Sunday crowd at the Moaning Cow public house simply could not believe what their hero was telling them.

“I, Mr. Spock, Dr. Gregory House, Dr. Who, Dr. Kildare, Dr…”

“Get on with it you drunk” shouted the man playing the fruit machine. Dr. Angry drank his fifth pint of lager and second whisky chaser.

“I must tell you that it’s a national disgrace. A ‘Sunday Times investigation..”

“The only newspaper you read Angry is ‘Sunday Sport’” yelled the man at the gaming machine.

“Which is how I relate to the people” retorted our fearless orator. “Take today’s headline: ‘Russell Brand Space Alien Bonked My Wife’. These are important matters.”

“Mr. Angry. Tell us about this investigation” said Mrs. Angry as she did her knitting.

“Thank you Mrs. Angry. They have found that last year there were 53,493,729 people living in this country and yet there were 55,724,785 patients were registered with doctors.”

“Fraudulent” cried a man in the third row.

“It is costing the NHS 450m annually” said Dr. Angry. “GPs are paid £66.25p for each person on their list. The worst area is Reading in Berkshire with 138%. Birmingham is the largest in numbers with 108,000 ghosts.”

Dr Angry looked around him. “In 2011 four GP surgeries in Streatham, south London, were suspended after claiming 8,150 patients. The GMC audit suggested there were 3,000 non-existent names.”

He drank his third whisky chaser.

“I, Dr. Angry, intend putting the matter right. The NHS has agreed to my plans to recruit 300 auditors who will visit surgeries on a spot check basis. I’ll be paid £50,000pa for each officer. I’m checking the national minimum wage.”

“Dr. Angry” cried Rita the bar maid. “The NHS is on the phone. Are you Mr. Angry who received £35,677 of benefits from Drs. Patel, Shah and Patel, or the Mr. Angry who was paid £18,009 from Dr. Hamilton’s surgery or the Mr. Angry who received £11,990 from the Health Clinic..er…Mr. Angry?”

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