There was a hushed audience at the Moaning Cow public house as Rita, the bar maid, read out a leaked copy of Mr. Angry’s speech to the Trades Union Congress conference at Bournemouth. It will be given to warm up the audience before the arrival of the Labour leader on Tuesday.
“Brothers” he cried. “It is I, Mr. Keir Hardy, Ramsay MacDonald, Neil Kinnock Angry who greets you on this great day in our calendar.”
“Get on with it, you drunk” shouted union leader Len McCluskey.
“Shortly our visionary leader Ted Armband will be addressing us.”
“Sack him for Yvette Cooper. She’s 5/2 on to replace him” yelled GMB general secretary Paul Kenny.
“Just listen to these words written by our former Home Secretary Rabid Junkett:
‘This is Ted’s chance to present himself as a relevant womaniser.’
There was a gasp as the person in charge of the autocue rubbed out ‘womaniser’ and replaced it with ‘moderniser.’
“I ask you to support Armband’s brilliant decision to ignore the fifty four unions affiliated to the TUC and suggest the six million union members to pay direct to the Labour party. It’s his clause four moment.”
“That was Blair you ignorant bore” bellowed Ed Balls who had just arrived to put a bet on his wife. (Ed: aka Yvette Cooper).
“The rejection of clause four was the defining moment when TB realised he’d be PM and was on his way to becoming very, very rich” said Mr. Angry.
He drank his triple whisky chaser.
“This week will see the same historic moment: when you boo Mr. Armband to high heaven and create the circumstances when Mince Table becomes prime minister.”
At this point Mr. Angry looked up to find that the whole auditorium had adjourned to MacDonald’s for a TUC burger.