As this leaderless, clueless Coalition Government sinks further into ridicule, the Chancellor of the Exchequer has come clean. He has admitted that he has not the vaguest idea of what he is doing (apart from rescuing Portugal with our money and limply blaming it on Alistair Darling).
He has announced a second growth plan which, in summary, said:
- sorry, got the first one wrong (but it’s all Labour’s fault)
- not much idea what to do so I’ll delay doing anything until the Autumn Statement in…er..the autumn (unless Dave decides to move the season to next spring)
- er..I’ll remove regulations. Actually I really would like to but Gus keeps telling me that somebody in Brussels keeps making more. By the way, I’m not touching the improved Paternity leave rules: too many MPs really rate these
- now, I realise that although Dave says I must, but I can’t keep blaming Labour. So I’ll blame the unions. How about that they are ‘the forces of stagnation’. Stevie thought that one up: Policy Exchange will be ecstatic. Perhaps I might make another fortune with a computer game: ‘ The forces of enterprise versus the forces of stagnation’. I’ll be Captain Kirk leading us to…somewhere. Who will be Spock?..must phone Vince
- back to the unions and employment tribunals. I must remember to say that employees have rights because these Lib Dems seems to think it matters. Of course, so do I. That is why I am proposing fees to deter frivolous claims, compulsory arbitration and the right to seek redress after two years rather than one. We are so unpopular in the north of England that it does not really make much difference to the next election result.
On to our friends, the banks. Perhaps the daftest proposal that has emanated from ‘Better Business Finance’ campaign is the Appeals Process. Any business with a turnover of up to £25m has 30 days from the date of refusal to appeal ‘to another member of staff’. If the application is still declined the bank must provide information on alternative sources of finance. There will be an external panel monitoring the process. However the final decision rests with the bank involved.
These ideas can only have been thought up by somebody whose understanding of the needs of enterprising businesses is similar to Wayne Rooney’s use of the English language.