Tony Drury is in the United States meeting with Sarah Palin

Tony Drury is away. He is in the United States meeting with Sarah Palin. They are discussing a possible collaboration agreement between her Tea Party and Tony’s Democratic Enterprise Britain Social Party. However we have received, in a plain brown envelope, confidential notes of a morning session involving the Prime Minister.

Prime Minister (PM): “Brilliant, just brilliant.”

Assistant (Asst): “PM. Urgent..”

PM: “Quiet!” “Just look at these press cuttings. The ‘Governator of California, Arnie, and me together on the steps of 10, Downing Street. What history. What genius on my part. ‘Terminate the deficit’. SamCam hugged me.”

Asst: “PM. Urgent..”

PM: “Did you see Sky News last night? It kept coming across the screen. ‘..the personal intervention of the Prime Minister.’ Something about defence cuts. I must ask Liam what I have done. Or have I already sacked him?”

Asst: “PM. Urgent news. Seven people are trapped is a subterranean cave In Cornwall. There are unusually high tides. They will die unless they are rescued.”

PM: “What a wonderful photo opportunity. Me. The Prime Minister. Greeting each person as they come ashore.”

Asst: “Perhaps PM and yes, you will be regal. The problem is that BP has launched its galactic, sonar driven, recovery vessel but it has sunk.”

PM: “Call in Nick. He’ll know what to do.”

Asst: “He’s at the hairdressers PM. He thinks he should greet at least two of the rescued individuals.”

PM: “I really am annoyed by individuals seeking personal glory. What do you want…?”

Asst Two. “Great news PM. A local fisherman from Truro has rescued the trapped people. He is waiting for the tides to turn. He’ll be landing in two hours. The helicopter is waiting PM.”

Asst One. “PM. The Home Secretary is on the phone.”

PM. “Theresa. Did you see me on Sky News last night? What? Two of the trapped people are women and you must greet them.”

Asst Two. “PM. Bad news. The rescued group have signed up with Max Clifford. He is insisting Red Ed greets them as they land at Truro. GMTV are already there with Harriet Harman.”

PM: “Phone George. Tell him I am bringing the Comprehensive Spending Review forward to co-inside with the landings.”

Asst One. “Bad news PM. When Red Ed greets the first of the rescued women, as Harriet hugs her, Red Ed will take a call from the President of Chile.”

PM. “Pure opportunism. The nation should be grateful that I am cleaning up politics.”

END.

Bill Wiggins, the Conservative MP for Leominster since 2001, has been ordered by the Parliamentary standards watchdog to repay more than £4,000. He was found to have incorrectly registered his second home in London as his main residence.

In May 2009 David Cameron said he would be “out of the door” if he had wrongly claimed expenses.

On 14 October 2010 a No 10 source said “…he (DC) was referring to a phantom mortgage….the second home mix-up was unintended.”

The standards and privileges committee referred to ‘serious breaches of the rules’ and ‘his disappointing failure to co-operate with the inquiry.’

Mr. Wiggins is to keep his job as a Government whip.

He is an Old Etonian who was one year ahead of David Cameron.

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