Oh PM, what a manifesto!

We understand that Tony Drury has taken compassionate leave. He thinks the Labour leadership contenders are such wimps he is campaigning for Diane Abbott. Enterprise Britain has, however, received, in a plain, brown envelope, confidential notes relating to certain political upheavals. The address was blurred. 10 something.


“Oh darling. You look so..so sexy in those lycra shorts”.

“SamCam, shush. Security might hear you…oh, hello, yes, please inspect the kitchen for Russian spies. Sorry, you have heard that one before and yes, you have a job to do.”

“David. Eat your muesli. And stop looking at pictures of yourself.”

“ ‘Daily Mail’…giving Clegg more space than me.”

“He is Deputy PM. Darling, what does the Deputy PM actually do?”

“He..er..understudies me.”

“But you and he don’t agree about anything.”

“SamCam, don’t miss the obvious. I gained seats in the Election, he lost them.”

“So why is he Deputy PM?”

“William Hague told me he must be..something about the Coalition. But SamCam, I am PM. I am the real thing. I was dynamic in my phone call with Barak. You should have heard me.”

“Actually Darling, I was listening. You didn’t say anything.”

“I manipulated him SamCam. He will never again call BP British anything and we agreed to talk all the time about the special relationship.”

“What is ‘The Special Relationship’?”

“Barak suggested it was Tony Blair getting paid a fortune for US speaking engagements.”

“Will you do that Darling. Will you make lots of money?”

“Of course SamCam. But you must stop talking this way. I’m telling everybody they are earning too much.”

“Why?”

“George said I must.”

“Who is George?”

“SamCam, he is Chancellor of the Exchequer.”

“I thought that was Vince Cable.”

“No, he’s..er..trade or something.”

“So why is he getting so much good press. He wants to give the banks lending targets and he says that investment banking…”

“SamCam, please, let’s talk about the Conservative Cabinet ministers who are achieving so much…”

“Who?”

“Er..Chris Huhne..”

“He’s a Lib-Dem.”

“Yes, but he is jolly good on the environment. I want that to be my crowning achievement. The PM who was green.”

“Darling, those shorts. Is it time we discussed your manifesto?”

“Excuse me PM. Security check.”

“Oh…well, you must, I suppose. Can you get my bike. It’s chained to the railings.”

“What bike, Prime Minister?”

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