Mr. Splosh makes a splash

Please have your Kleenex tissues ready.

Despite Elgar being replaced by Adam Faith on £20 notes, the words of ‘Jerusalem’ will echo around the Royal Albert Hall at the end of ‘The Last Night of the Proms.’

“I will not cease from mental fight
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand
‘Til we have built Jerusalem
In England’s green and pleasant land”

In Bedfordshire Mr. Splosh is leading the way.

In 2008 an East European immigrant started, in the back streets of the town where I live, a car cleaning business. ‘Mr. Splosh’ from the beginning was the best. He was also the most expensive. Today ‘inside and out’ is £14 and I always tip the balance when handing over two notes totalling £15. The local car wash is £4.50. The guys with the buckets on the A5 are £7.

Mr. Splosh is always busy. Why? Because they never stop improving their services.

The boss is Kosta. Our relationship was cemented in December 2009. I was trying to catch the Euston train at around 12.00noon to get to an important meeting. I arrived at 11.45am. The car park was full. Very full. All the surrounding roads are restricted parking to deter commuter parking.

I was panicking. I had an idea. I drove rather rapidly the two miles to Mr. Splosh. Kosta caught on immediately. He drove me back to the station and I (just) caught the train. At 7.00pm that evening he collected me in a sparkling car. He asked for £15. I gave him £20. Parking at the station was then £6.20p. I had a clean car and had made a surplus of 20p.

I had my car cleaned today. Kosta showed me his newly installed, overhead vacuuming system. “Fifteen thousand bucks” he grunted.

The Sunday queue was growing. Kosta went off to urge his staff of eleven to clean some more vehicles.

Cue: ‘Jerusalem’.

Kosta is Enterprise Britain, in action.


Jeremy Hunt MP is Minister for Culture and other things. He is MP for South West Surrey (since 2005) and he speaks Japanese. He says culture accounts for 7% of GDP. He will undoubtedly want to impress Dave.

It is rumoured that he has proposed cuts to his departmental budget totalling c.40% (pity about the Olympics).

He has ordered that the words of Jerusalem be reduced to save electricity during the Proms.

The second verse will now read:

“I won’t
Nor will it
‘Till we have built an eco-friendly pad
In Watford.”

William Blake and Charles Hubert Hastings Parry have been informed.

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