Notes of a meeting between the PM and his press adviser.
PA: “PM. Shares have hit a two-and-a-half year high. Gilt yields are below 3%. Our debt funding is being managed with ease.”
PM: “Do you think a photograph of me in front of the London Stock Exchange, with an adoring crowd around me, will suffice?”
PA: “Er. What about the Chancellor PM?”
PM. “George should only be asked when things go wrong..like child benefits.”
PA: “The City is reporting increased employment PM.”
PM: “I really am doing jolly well aren’t I. The caption should read: “PM saves the world.”
PA: “Perhaps the Country, PM. And we need to be careful. The Welsh Labour MPs are upset because The Secretary of State won’t attend the Welsh Committee meetings.”
PM: “I won the election. I’m the Prime Minister. What’s it to do with them?”
PA: “Er. Wales, and Scotland and NI do have real problems PM.”
PM: “How about ‘I have saved England’.
PA: “ Will not Boris say he has saved London. I’ll make sure is he out of the country when the photographs are taken.”
PM: “Why not another photograph in Paris. “I have saved the defence of the UK”.
PA: “Er. It is a long time since the French won any military action PM. Didn’t we oppose Tony Blair’s idea of a European Defence Force?”
PM: “Well, I think I should save small businesses. We’ll have a photograph of me with lots of happy business owners.”
PA: “Great idea PM. What actually have you done?”
PM: “I’ve told the banks to lend them money.”
PA: “But they are not doing that PM. All the reports….”
PM: What about Local Enterprise Partnetrships. Vince says…”
PA: “All sorts of problems there PM. Vince isn’t giving them much funding.”
PM: “I know. I’ll write Barak a letter on how to win elections. We’ll photograph me waving the letter: “PM advises US President in his hour of need.”
PA: “He was popoular once PM.”
PM: “All PR and no substance. That’s Barak’s problem. When’s my personal trainer arriving?”
What is Dave (on the left) saying to me (on the right)?
Answers, in no more than fifteen words, to email@example.com:
“You went to a grammar school: how awful”
“Do you think I need my own personal hairdresser?”
“When I am Prime Minister I’ll send George to events like this”
“I didn’t see your name in ‘The Times Top 100 Rich List’”
Editor’s choice: “Can you believe that? This chap did not even recognise me! Could he be a liberal?”