“Dear Santa Claus…..”
We have lost Tony Drury. He was last seen lurching down London Wall, waving a balloon and trying, without success, to gain entry into various Christmas parties (Ed: no surprise there).
Enterprise Britain has, however, received, in a plain, brown envelope, a copy of a seasonal letter.
“Dear Santa Claus,
I am a blunt man. Can you please improve on the train set you gave me last year. The artificial smoke which came out of the funnel was reported by my neighbour. The local council fined me for adding to climate warming. They brought in Health and Safety who said the couplings were dangerous and confiscated the whole thing. They then sent in the Child Protection Agency who accused me of trying to influence my children with old-fashioned ideas (just because I said my trains ran on time). My son then sued me under the Human Rights Act because he said he had a timesheet showing I played with the trains sixty three per cent more time than he did. The Judge took his side and sentenced me to eighty hours communal service. I am presently cleaning the local station car park.
What I would like this year (and please avoid the chimney: my neighbour is trying to prove I am burning coal to keep warm) is a set of stress balls. I like red ones.
These I can hold in each hand and squeeze and squeeze so relieving my body of its inner tensions.
Thus when I see a letter from the Inland Revenue saying that they do not care what the crime is, I am guilty, I can grab my balls and squeeze. What relief.
Can you please add in some in yellow. These will be used when Nick Clegg in on the telly. What a pillock. He had every chance to reposition his Party as the natural opposition and he blew it.
I will squeeze blue ones when Dave becomes PM. Did you know that he has already let it be known that he is to be called ‘Prime Minister’. I bet he was taught that at Eton.
I was up in Yorkshire at the weekend and my pal said Labour is so compromised that Mickey Mouse could stand and would be elected. I had to explain that Mickey Mouse was already committed to standing in Buckingham although that nice Mr. Farage is trying to stop him.
Back to balls. I could do a pun on Ed Balls who is something to do with Education but I don’t do cheap shots.
Except in the case of Peter Jones. Can I have a set of luminous balls for him. He is on TV so much I am sure he will appear in the middle of the night. I wonder how his National Enterprise Academy is doing. Perhaps Gordon has given it to Peter M as a present.
Finally Santa can I have a sackload of golden balls which represent all my friends in Enterprise Britain. I will toss them into the air (the balls that is). I will wish them
HAPPY NEW YEAR
PS. This letter has nothing to do with Enterprise Britain. The editor (Dirk to his friends) has been on the sherry since last Sunday so he will never notice.