Three hours before last week’s historic first televised Leaders’ Debate in Manchester, secret agents working for Enterprise Britain, managed to record an informal, highly secret, meeting between the three party chiefs.
Dave (aka David Cameron, Leader of the Conservative and Unionist Party):
“Gosh, what a beautiful vin blanc. A 2004 Dauvissat-Camus Chablis Les Clos. Gord, would you like a glass?”
Gord (aka Gordon Brown, The Prime Minister): (scowling) “Holy Rob Roy. I can stop smiling. It’s killing me, being pleasant.
No. keep your fine wines. I’ll have a large malt.”
Dave: “What would you like..er…oh yes, I remember…Rick.”
Nicky (aka Nick Clegg, Leader of the Liberal Democrats): “Nick. My name’s Nick. No thanks. I have a glass of Ribena.”
Gord: “Ribena! That’s a poof’s drink.”
Nicky: “Ribena is the first drink to be served in 100% recycled plastic bottles.”
Dave: “OK chaps. Forget the 76 clauses contract. This is what we’ll do. We must all mention enterprising businesses. SamCam says it will make me look as though I really care.”
Gord: “Have you any policies for them?”
Dave: “Of course not. My banker pals says they are a pain in the neck. I was reading that brilliant website ‘Enterprise Britain’. Last week’s blog said: ‘no banker has ever earned a bonus by supporting enterprising businesses’. SamCam and I laughed at that. Mind you Gord she’s giving me grief because she is worried about her dividends on her bank shares.
Nicky: “I think we should concentrate on cleaning up politics.”
Dave: “You did accept £2.4m from a convicted fraudster Rick.”
Nicky: “It’s Nick. We really want to support businesses. The trouble is Vince has put tax free earnings up to £10,000pa and we think that will cost £6bn more than we first thought. Oh bother.”
Gord: “I’ll bash you around over your £6bn savings David. It will make good TV.”
Dave: “OK. I’ll bleat on about time for change.”
Nicky: “That’s not fair. I want to say that you two are the old brigade. We are the party of change.”
Gord: “Why not make Lembit Opik the shadow minister for enterprise?”
Nicky: “Ha, ha. We think he will lose Montgomeryshire.”
Gord: “OK. Time to refix the smile.”
Dave: “Must just phone SamCam to remind her to record me.”
Gord: “Is she not watching?”
Dave: “It’s her bingo night.”
Nicky: “Miriam says I must not be late back. I’ve got the ironing to do.”
Dave: “Good luck Gordon. Can you tidy up the room Rick?”
Nicky: “It’s Nick.”
To be continued….