“Dirk Van who…..!?”

Tony Drury is still missing. We understand that he is being looked after by the Samaritans. However Enterprise Britain has received, in a plain, brown envelope, notes of a meeting between the Prime Minister and five of his advisers to discuss the New Year’s Honours List.

PM “Dirk Van who….!?”

Adviser One (“AD1”) “That’s ok PM. I’ll wipe up the coffee. We will replace your computer. Pity about the broken window…”

PM “Who is this Dirk Van Dijl..where is the MI5 report on him?”

AD2 “He runs a brilliant website Prime Minister. It is called ‘Enterprise Britain’

PM “What…it says here he is not one of us”

AD5 “One of us Sir. Do you mean English?”

AD1 “that’s ok PM. I’ll wipe up the water as soon as I have finished clearing up the coffee. And no problem PM. I’ll get a new telephone brought in straight
away. I think it went clean through the window again so I’ll see if it is in Downing Street.”

PM “I am Prime Minister of Britain. I am one of Barak’s closest….”

AD5 “I think you mean the United Kingdom Prime Minister. Britain does not …

PM “As Sir Alan says “You’re fired. Collect your P60 on the way out.”

AD4 “This Enterprise Britain website Sir is terrific. It suggests that one way to
stimulate the economy is to harness the collective talent of Britain’s four million business owners and managers.”

PM “I have been talking about Enterprise Britain for years. I thought up the name. That second rate Etonian buffoon Cameron has pinched it off me.”

AD3 “We have researched this carefully PM. Philip’s focus groups reveal that few voters connect you with Enterprise…..”

PM “Lord Gould is a friend of Mandelson. There is a vacancy in our embassy in Tibet. Good afternoon.”

AD1 “This Dirk Van Dijl. I think he should be considered for an OBE. He seems to be capturing the public imagination.”

PM “He is a foreigner. Read the bloody report. It says here. He is a Dutch American. If we are not careful Barak will claim he invented Enterprise Britain.”

AD1 “He has been in this country for many years PM.”

PM “Holy Rob Roy! He is a banker. It says it here. Perhaps he caused the US financial collapse. They got us into this mess. My economy was fine.”

AD2 “That is not what you told the President when he gave you three minutes in Copenhagen Sir.”

PM “I think you need an extended Christmas break. Come back in 2011.”

AD4 “Sorry about the noise PM but security want the window repaired immediately.”

PM “I want a vote winning Honours List this year. I have a brilliant idea. We will give the Honours to as many civil servants as possible. That will take the public attention off their inflation busting pensions, holidays and bonuses.

AD2 “Is there a chance the voters might…er…smell a rat PM?”

PM “The latest opinion polls show I have that…I can’t say his name…on the run. My credibility has never been higher. There is no place here for doubters. I suggest you return to the Liberal Democrats research department.”

AD4 “The window’s repaired PM. Now Dirk Van Dijl. You have said you admire people with conviction. I must ask you to re-consider his case for an Honour. I have met him PM. Really good guy.”

PM “I admire people who see that my vision is always the most brilliant. Get out”

AD4 “Oh.”

PM “Where have they all gone? Still. This is a wonderful day for me and Sarah. Blair’s getting nothing. Just imagine Cherie’s reaction….

I must call Barak. Maybe he knows this Dirk bloke…where’s the phone….?

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