As Lord Mandelson tries to sell his book, (‘The Third Man: Life at the heart of New Labour’) for £25rrp ( £17.50 with free P & P for ‘The Times’ readers), it is time to tell the real story.
It was I who was in that cylinder which was found in the basement of an abandoned Los Angeles church. They made a film, ‘Prince of Darkness’ in 1987. The Director, John Carpenter, said: “I thought it would be interesting to create some sort of ultimate evil and combine it with the notion of matter and anti-matter.”
As jets of liquid escaped I made my departure in the body of an England tourist. This was concealed by the cylinder opening fully allowing the remaining liquid to be absorbed into a student of politics. He disappeared only to reappear in Westminster.
My alter-ego required me to go underground until the calling.
On 8 May 2010 it came and I travelled through time to reach Downing Street.
“I knew you would come” said the exhausted Prime Minister.
“Is our plan on track?” I asked.
“Clegg is the problem.” Gordon threw his cup across the room. “I canna be much ruder. He keeps coming back.”
“It will take time Prime Minister” I advised. “Clegg and Cameron have nothing in common. Hague and Alexander will sort it out.”
The Prime Minister took a wee dram. “Once more” he instructed.
“Right PM. We work it that there is a coalition between the Conservatives and the Lib-dems. You resign with great dignity. Sarah is having the boys’ hair cut. Good photo shoot. New government. Cameron and Clegg become all lovie. Lord M publishes book to get you maximum sympathy. Cable hates the coalition. Hughes hates it. Osborne creates huge unemployment. Ed becomes leader. Coalition implodes. Election in eighteen months time. Labour win. You become Head of the IMF with a peerage.”
Prime Minister Gordon Brown drank deeply.
“And your price?”he asked.
“Ed agrees to back Enterprise Britain with the most ambitious tax incentivised programme for investors to back growing businesses. You completely nationalise Lloyds/TSB, close the enterprise schemes and direct all SME lending through your bank. Saying “no” is not an option. The IR become caring and helpful.”
“What if the coalition works?” asked G. Brown.
“Good whiskey PM?” I asked as I slithered away.