True grit

I have a new business model and I am looking for investors. I am going to build an enormous stockpile of salt – enough to cover all the roads of our beautiful land for say 30 days. I want to have that stock replenished every year. In addition I want to invest in a fleet of salt spreading vehicles so I can get this salt out on all our roads quickly. In fact, because our weather predictions are so good, I will need excess stock for the times no snow falls, but it may come so best to start spreading. Last but not least I will need to have a team of drivers, train them, give them holidays between snow falls, train them again, and keep them motivated.

The return is easy. Those suckers called tax payers will pay through the nose for it. Not a problem so you as investor in True Grit will get very rich. It will take 30 years of course as that is when the next real winter is forecast, but heh, its worth it.

Please send all your cheques to Enterprise Britain quickly so you will not miss out on this superb opportunity. Some of you seem to be hesitating – why? The tax payers will love it! They will seize the opportunity to pay lots of money to have their roads gritted. It must work! That is what we want the government to do so it must be a good idea. Of course the government does not play fair. They just take our tax money and spend it on quangos to review the need for salt piles instead. This winter must be worth millions in studies and thousands of pages of reports.

Somehow I suspect I am not going to get much investment. Neither would anyone else who came up with this business plan. So why do we want the stockpiles and the trucks and etc etc ? Because we seem to believe it is free. Someone has some big salt mines and this year they sold all the salt they could mine. In the last 30 years they probably did not. And yes, this year has caused us some inconvenience, but what did we get back?

We have had the first decent winter in 30 years or something like that. Not that it is a really decent winter, but at least we had some snow and it was beautiful. The pictures taken around the country were fantastic. Kids were out sleighing, neighbours were helping each other out and the media had something new to write out – the lack of grit. And yes, I have great sympathy with the true hardship cases. I have that sympathy every day for people with hardships. That does not make this investment worthwhile though.

In the meantime lots of us in Enterprise Britain did show our true grit. Most of us got to the office. We probably cancelled some appointments, but we can get back to those later. Shops were open – the gritter drivers got out. Plumbers were out fixing boilers. Lots of activity in Enterprise Britain. Even banks were open and that without a bonus. Truly amazing stuff! Schools closed probably because the education they were getting was not really worthwhile anyway, so another holiday for teachers.

I am proud of the true grit shown by Enterprise Britain and I loved the winter scenes. Please spare me from this investment plan to stockpile silly amounts of grit just in case we get another brief winter somewhere in say 30 years, so please rip up that cheque you just wrote out to me. You could always buy a set of winter tyres if you really think it is worthwhile.

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