The readership of Enterprise Britain is growing. As a result I am receiving an increasing number of comments suggesting that I am a bloated, self-opinionated, flatulent windbag. Those are the complimentary ones.
Well you doubting Thomas’s try this one.
What follows is a TRUE STORY (‘honest Gov’)
Two weeks ago I decided to play a practice round of golf. For those of you who are recovering from the latest letter from your bank saying that as you are a valued customer they are increasing their charges so that they can improve their services and pay themselves huge bonuses now that Alastair Darling is focused on being knifed by the PM (no more politics: Ed.), I intended playing a round of golf on my own.
As I arrive at the first tee the Club Professional asked if I minded if a young visitor joined me.
“Not at all” said I.
By the fifth hole two events had taken place.
Firstly he was an excellent golfer who proceeded to thrash me.
Secondly he was a VAT inspector.
This revelation aroused all my blogging instincts.
Just one problem. He was totally humourless. This is what he said.
1. His mission in life is to generate penalty payments from his companies which total twice his salary.
2. He starts his week by reviewing which businesses are most vulnerable to a visit and where he can extract a payment.
3. He had never heard of Gordon Brown saying anything about businesses.
4. A suggestion that this Government had told Government agencies to try to help small businesses was treated with derision. It also produced from him a thirty foot put which meant I lost another hole.
5. Does he enjoy his work? ‘Love it.’ Why? ‘I never fail to get a cheque’
It has been announced that the Financial Services Authority (“FSA”), who contributed to the banking crisis by failing to understand what capital adequacy means, are increasing their fees by around 40% to £120m. This means hoards of power crazy petty officials will be hitting Britain’s streets regulating industries they don’t understand and contributing absolutely nothing to Enterprise Britain.
The added problem is the FSA fees are paid by the industry ie. banks. And guess what they will do? Correct! They will pass the costs on to you. They will then pay themselves bigger bonuses because the FSA will write nice reports about them.
Perhaps the respondent who told me recently “you are a fat, ugly cynic” was right.
Fat – please ask my doctor
Ugly – my wife is willing to give evidence
Cynic YES, YES, YES because every day of every week of every month of every year I work with, meet, suffer and console the four million members of Enterprise Britain who have been deserted by our society.
Guess what? The Vat Inspector asked me if I would like to play him again. I suppose I better take my cheque book.